i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
