I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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