can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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