i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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