Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
