I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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