I wish my penis had an off switch
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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