How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
