i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
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His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
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I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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