he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I just cut my nipple shaving
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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