The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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