dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
