On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
