i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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