the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
