I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
a search helicopter?!
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
