just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
