I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
