All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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