What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
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Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
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I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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