I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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