I should be sponsored by Trojan
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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