I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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