Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
false alarm, still single
Randomize
