The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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