Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
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My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
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And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing