did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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