Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
im drinking this country out of the recession.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
