im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
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