Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
