I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
