I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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