speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." π ππ·
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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