so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
