Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
