There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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