i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
