Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
