After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
