I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
