i just had sex bonerless
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
