my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
