Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
