I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
