he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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