we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i used baking grease as lip gloss
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
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Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
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In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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