So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
