So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
