i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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