She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
