You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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