the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
