Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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