Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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