from now on my penis is your penis
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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