I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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