I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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