my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
