I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
